I’ve been thinking and it’s like truth has been revealed to me. All this time we thought you were the one who was bad. But you were normal. And now I realize that I am bad. It’s like everything is so clear and now and makes sense to me. Dr. Phil Jennifer really doesn’t know what she is talking about and everything I thought I knew, isn’t true. All this time I thought I had it together and everyone else was fucked up in one way or another. But Jennifer is the one with nothing under control. Other people go to school and they finish, I do not. Other people are raised to appreciate life as it is, I was not. Other people have families who love and support them in decisions that they make in life, my family would burn me at the stake if they knew half the things I decided to do. You are normal. You live life and you laugh and you love. You know sex and you love sex, you are not close minded. You want to be marred and you want to have children, family. I have no concept of family, never have, therefore there is nothing in me that wants intimacy, marriage, or children. I am cut off from life and cut off from emotion, I do not like to be touched or like to be known.  I don’t know how to love. What I thought I knew, I didn’t know. Jennifer doesn’t really love anyone, she doesn’t even love herself. So you see, we were wrong. You weren’t bad, I was and I am. You will stop loving me after a while because I am no good for you. You won't love me, won't want to be with me, or around me. And I will understand, it will hurt but pain of abandonment is much better that being a fucked up person trying to cope and fit it in society. I'm the Great Pretender I talk about. It isn't any of them, it's me.

random jumbled effking thoughts

we all get lost in our private worlds, no communication, no true freedom, caught up in life, stuck

when people are living heathenisticly its hard to tell them about the assurance of salvation... so is it, indeed works based? dont know anymore, hate the confusing ideas ive been taught to believe

never could stand a man, dont like my step father, love my mother and dislike her all at once... and i didn't turn gay

oh god, why is this life and why is what i see not make me want to believe in what i hear? i have never felt the assurance of salvation, even when i tried to live as yours, so was i not really saved... your children are predestiend so , was i not one picked? so that no matter how much i try to believe, i just wont? or the message i try to beleive, does not click with my life... so much happier if i would forsake it all to say the 3 powerful words of i dont care

cant stand the church

but jesus i am ever grateful for what you did for me, to know that no good thing i do will get me to your heaven, just to believe you died for me, yet still feel so lost, like i am missing the point.... and still going to hell anyway... so now i choose to live my life... i am sorry but i have to do me.

i didnt make myself alive and i didnt make myself with the capacity to sin, i was just able to. hate the cards i was dealt. i aint god, i am the human. the stupid dumb sinful human... saved by grace? i dunno

naturally, to another drum beat i walk, always different, unchristian

am i the person the revelations speaks about? probaly... and i'm so sad about it... but i cant do this life anymore... so confusied... and angry...and the reason for my pain... i cannot handle it, and you say you wont give me any thing more than i can handle.. i dont believe that.

Checking out of life right now...