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MmmFer
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Name: Jennifer
Birthday: 10/27/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: Bonfires, Fashion, Photography, Tea, Art, Film, Poetry, Music, The Bakery, Mannequins, El Guitaro, Cooking, Writing, Singing to myself, Daisies, being original, finding beauty in things with "less potential", indie films, all things Caribbean, Culture, People, Speakers and writers of substance, quality and passion, Coffee shops for heart to hearts, Diversity, The Human Psyche, Theater, Bohemians, Pencil Portraits, Thinking, Reading, and one day I hope to break dance with a book on my head.
Expertise: Having imagined rejections and acting on them. Damn.
Message: message me
Member Since:
5/27/2008
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| So fucking tired of playing doctor phil to people who need me. These past couple of days have been draining. I have been pouring and pouring and pouring of myself to the people in my life who need me. And I don't understand how I can advise one to cherish their life and be wise when their decisions when I don't quite do that myself. I am hurting. And they are hurting, but they don't see my pain. They see my strength and want a little bit of it for themselves... and I didn't mind at first, but now I am so frustrated, and tired, and... NUMB. I already couldn't cry for myself... but now I can't cry for them either.
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| we all get lost in our private worlds, no communication, no true freedom, caught up in life, stuck when people are living heathenisticly its hard to tell them about the assurance of salvation... so is it, indeed works based? dont know anymore, hate the confusing ideas ive been taught to believe never could stand a man, dont like my step father, love my mother and dislike her all at once... and i didn't turn gay oh god, why is this life and why is what i see not make me want to believe in what i hear? i have never felt the assurance of salvation, even when i tried to live as yours, so was i not really saved... your children are predestiend so , was i not one picked? so that no matter how much i try to believe, i just wont? or the message i try to beleive, does not click with my life... so much happier if i would forsake it all to say the 3 powerful words of i dont care cant stand the church but jesus i am ever grateful for what you did for me, to know that no good thing i do will get me to your heaven, just to believe you died for me, yet still feel so lost, like i am missing the point.... and still going to hell anyway... so now i choose to live my life... i am sorry but i have to do me. i didnt make myself alive and i didnt make myself with the capacity to sin, i was just able to. hate the cards i was dealt. i aint god, i am the human. the stupid dumb sinful human... saved by grace? i dunno naturally, to another drum beat i walk, always different, unchristian am i the person the revelations speaks about? probaly... and i'm so sad about it... but i cant do this life anymore... so confusied... and angry...and the reason for my pain... i cannot handle it, and you say you wont give me any thing more than i can handle.. i dont believe that. | | |
| I hate my life right now. I hate to love... OH MY GOD, one question- why can I not catch a break?! I find love and it escapes me... just like every other person... every other love. NEVER have I bee through a break up like this one, never has it hurt SO much. In my life I am forever alone and forever loveless and for once I had been happy. For once I had known how to love another and how to love myself. And I've been stripped of it. This one is going to take a while to get over... I feel so broken.
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| I don't know why my life is so far from being life. I cry and scream, the chaos within myself is overwhelming. My tortured soul... confused by what I've been taught to believe, ruled by fear with trembling... now, I find a part of life to comforting... comfort, foreign to me for so long and she comes into my life and I feel a sense of wholeness... but fear it is wrong... since she is not the correct gender...
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| Why the fuck does life shit bricks on me? All day, every day, year fucking round. I'm so tired...
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